Transfer Roundup

An inside source at Liverpool says that Ribery and his agent were both served tea today at 4 pm after arriving from Germany. The alleged transfer is set to be announced tomorrow, with the fee being a flat 45 million Euros. Hicks and Gillet's contacts in Germany were supposedly instrumental in enabling this very surprising transfer.

Chelsea are finalizing the 52.3 million Euro transfer of "Kun" Aguero, after Ancelotti's personal visit to Spain to talk to the player and his agent convinced Kun that a transfer to Chelsea would be the right step, instead of waiting another year before leaving Atletico.

Manchester United have turned the tables on Real Madrid, grabbing Casillas for a goalkeeper record sum of 48.7 million Euros, with additional bonuses and incentives potentially taking the total outlay to an incredible 60 million Euros. Alex Ferguson was supposedly so incensed at Real's tortuous pursuit of Ronaldo that he decided to embarrass the club by grabbing one of their biggest and most prized assets. He also had to use one of his famous bottles of red wine in order to soften up Florentino Perez, and even then he had to include the future 120 million Euro transfer of Nani to Real, to go through in 2011, when Nani has replaced Messi as the world's best player!

Arsenal have confirmed signing the rights to the Paris, Lyon, and Marseille sperm banks, in order to tie up the French foetus pool for the next four generations.